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Here, then, are the supposedly top 9 sex jokes on the Inet. Some are quite naff, but some are excellent (see #1, my personal favorite). Enjoy! Fine print:
----- forwarded message -------- These are the Top 9 Sexual Jokes on the "Net" this year (according to a poll taken by someone with far too much time on their hands): Nine A man is in a hotel lobby and decides to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, his elbow hitting her right in the breast. They're both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." Eight A young man walks in and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "6 shots of Jagermeister," says the man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "Thanks anyway, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." Seven A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos, and he notices she's reading a book about sex. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book of sexual statistics. It says American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" Without missing a beat, he replies, "Tonto Kawalski; nice to meet you." Six One night, as a couple lays in bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. She turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The disappointed husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps her again. This time he whispers: "You don't have a dentist appointment, do you?" Five Bill worked in a pickle factory for a number of years. One day he came home and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion: He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His shocked wife suggested he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he was too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome it on his own. A few weeks later, he came home ashen. His wife could see something was seriously wrong. "What is it, Bill?" she asked. "Well, you remember my urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "And what did they do with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." Four A man once again visits his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several months. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. When he does, she lets out a sigh. He runs out and tells the doctor, who says that's a good sign and suggests he rub her right breast to see if there's a reaction. That brings a moan from her, so the doctor suggests he check further by trying oral sex with her. The man goes in, and about five minutes later he's back?. white as a sheet. "She's dead", he tells the doctor. The doctor asks what happened, to which he replies: "She choked." Three A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this gator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. When he opens, I will remove my parts unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmurs their approval. The man jumps up on the bar, drops his pants and places his privates in the alligator's gaping mouth. The gator closes as the crowd gasps. After a minute, he grabs a beer bottle, raps the gator hard on the head, and it opens its mouth. He then withdraws his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheers and the first round of drinks is delivered. He then stands up and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush falls over the crowd. Soon a hand goes up at the back of the bar. A woman timidly speaks up: "I'll try it, but promise you won't rap me on the head with the bottle". Two A small guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big guy smiles down at him and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound balls. Turner Brown." The small guy faints! The big dude picks him up and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. "What's wrong?" he asks. The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude repeats, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound balls. The name is Turner Brown." "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'" One This couple was married for 50 years. They're sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman says to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replies, "and fifty years ago we were sitting here at this same table together." "I know," says he, "and we were probably sitting here naked as jay birds then." "Well," the wife snickers, "What do you say... we get naked?" Whereupon both strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," says the old lady breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I'm not surprised," he says, "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!" Aberdeen, 13 April 1999 |
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Copyleft notice: Copyright (C) 1999-2005 Mustafa Ünlü. This information is free; you can redistribute it and/or modify it under the terms of the GNU General Public License as published by the Free Software Foundation; either version 2 of the License, or (at your option) any later version. |